You Do Not Want To be My Friend. Really.

So a friend of mine is taking care of me,while my foot is EFd to the UP.  I return her kindness by making her puke. Great. What a fitting way to kick off the New Year.

ANYway, the reason she yacked up her breakfast was over an EFin plant. Now before judging, please allow me to explain.

The other day, I received this um gift that apparently signifies good luck and fortune in my culture (Japanese). I totally thought it was a bonsai tree — ya, it happens all the time. People give me bonsai trees. I know it’s the thought that counts but come ON, be honest with yourselves. Can you genuinely say you’ve never gotten something you wished you didn’t? Well for me, that thing I appreciate but do not want are bonsai trees. I’d rather get a six pack of men’s socks or a box full of fruitcake.

It’s courteous, thoughtful, and flattering that people want to give me something close to my roots (I guess?) but Mister Miyagi (Karate Kid) changed the way Westerners gift my people forever. Bonsais are harder to care for than orchids and if you’re familiar with flowers and gardening,  you know orchids are high maintenance. Those motherfuckers should be categorized outside of gardening and right into horticulture. Yes horticulture. As in, learning about greenery chromosomal genetic make-ups just to keep those things alive. I swear, orchids are more complicated than tending the little green patch clusterfuck app on Facebook. Crap, I digress.

Where was I? Oh right, the gift. Since I was expecting another bonsai, imagine my surprise when I opened the box.  Behold. The most puzzling form of happy thoughts EVER.


wtf IS that?

Flower bulbs? Bamboo stumps? Plastic decor knobs? Seriously, wtf are those… things?After studying it from arms length for a while (still baffled) it seemed safe enough to bring closer to my face. Like ultra macro mode, RIGHT in my mug and did the next logical thing: smelled it. photo3-4-2

The whiff was like fungus (fungi?) with dirt, you know, like a normal plant. (relief) So I poked it, to make sure it was real.
And indeed, that thing is alive.

So I kick in CSI mode, prodding and poking, Googling, etc. About 20 minutes pass, and I am still utterly clueless as to what this lifeform is. All the while my friends are watching me play detective. One of my friends made the big mistake of asking me: “What is that?”

Now mind you, this is after I explained about Mr. Miyagi glamorizing bonsai trees and how I’d rather get a crate of wax than a high maintenance bonsai tree. At least wax is useful and I can also learn karate. You know, the wax on, wax off thing? So ya, the mood of the room was goofy, but the silly tone died down since I was so intent on figuring out what that plant was.

So when she asked: “What is that?
I replied: “Ogre knuckles.” with a straight face.

Call it a hangover or too much coffee, but from ‘ogre knuckles’, my imagination just kicked off and all sorts of weirdness starting coming out of my mouth. Just to give a quick idea: “Or maybe whale belly buttons? … Yoda toes? … Donkey paws … ” one after another, they just came out. And I could not stop.

The entire room is laughing and my friend taking care of me all of a sudden looks up with tears in her eyes, pointing at her mouth. Then vomit trickled out of the side… omg it was so gross. But since we were already cracking up, we couldn’t stop, and was now laughing at her for throwing up… and I did something even worse. I pulled out the “Where Peanut Butter Comes From” picture from Natalie Dee:

…and that was the end of her.
She threw up all over the floor.

And part of it was my fault for egging on disgusting behavior. So that is why you really don’t want to be friends with me.

On that note, I have a feeling 2009 is going to be a really good year.
I hope it will be for you, too. :)

Happy New Year, everyone.
peanut image via nataliedee


24 thoughts on “You Do Not Want To be My Friend. Really.

  1. Did you even read it, LG? (rhetorical) It’s ok, I know this is way too damn long.

    That’s it.
    You’re my next victim.
    I’ll make you poop RSS feeds. You know, since Erin poops glitter?

  2. These are creatures they are creatures!! please do no keep them at home they belong in a zoo or are in need of lotta loving and support but be careful now, please slowly take them from your room and then put them somewhere out of harms way then run away!! don’t worry they’ll find their own way back to the Mothership!! :)()(())(()

    1. Jesse – the scariest part is, it’s not made up… haha Thanks for the comment!

      @CP, dude did you even read it? You are a notorious skimmer. HAPPY NEW YEAR FUCKFACE. I LUH YOU.
      @C&M: I am on a mission to find out what these things are. Maybe I should offer a reward. ;)
      Thanks for the comments, guys!

  3. I’m sincerely thanking God I did not have food in my own mouth when I read the phrase “Ogre knuckles”:D Ogre knuckles is the Chicken Soup for 2009! Thanks a ton!

  4. Happy New Year, everyone! And thanks for all the comments. Wow, I’m floored.

    And Dave? Requesting video of someone puking is just plain GROSS.

  5. happy new year(yeah i know i’m late) and on a serious note you seem like the type of friend i’d love to hang around just because you can actually laugh at something disgusting but wtf is that plant?

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