How to Survive a Bad First Date (long version)

Ok. I lied. I didn’t run. Running away would’ve been horrible. My foot isn’t healed and the date would’ve caught up to me. Plus I may have been mistaken for a dine and ditcher – a bad date is not worth landing on Inside Edition. But most of all, it would’ve been bad manners.

However, I came up with five ways that’ll keep you occupied on a horrible date.

Get date to talk about themselves. Answer all questions with one word and throw the question back at him/her – this should keep your date occupied until the end of the night, which will give you freedom to:

  • Count ceiling lights.
  • Start a mental game of “I Spy”.
  • Count the number of servers and bus boys.
  • Memorize the menu (Wine menu included).
  • Try to figure out the other patron’s drinks (cocktails are always fun)

And this should be enough to keep one busy through drinks and dinner. Tonight, I was reminded (once again) why I thoroughly screen – more on that later.


(image via nataliedee)

For those interested, details after jump.

It started with me agreeing to go on a blind date. “You’ll like him, he’s interesting.”, said my girlfriend. “Half Caucasion, half Chinese, he’s a lawyer for XX Firm! He went to XX for undergrad, XX for law school, top of his class, bla bla bla.” and she kept droning on with his laundry list of… well… stuff that I don’t give a crap about. I just wanted to know one thing:

“Would he get me?”

My girlfriends kept talking over me: “Who cares? He’s tall, good looking, smart, funny, and successful. You get along with anybody, why would he be any different?”
Me: “Fine, ok whatever.”

I caved… and got what I deserved.

Don’t get me wrong, the man was everything they said and more. But 1. he only uses e-mail for work. 2. he’s heard of “this blog phenom” and 3. thinks the iPhone “has a beautiful screen.”

Uh, ok. :|

And it only went downhill from there. I mentioned my love for LEGO, which was deemed “cute.” Star Wars, he said, was Lucas’ only achivement – aside from his wine. Nevermind it’s Frances Ford Coppola who owns the winery, but I am guessing in his mind, Coppola is the other Lucas? Who knows.

We covered almost all first date topics and as much as he seemed to be interested in me, he was more interested in talking about himself. I listened to him go on and on about: How great he was. What he’s done. Where he’s traveled. Where he’s dined. Bla bla bla – and would throw in a question for me, to make sure I was listening, I guess? All I know, is that I was reciting the times table in my head, in Japanese, to stay awake in between my replies.


I politely sat through drinks – a lot of drinks, took a few bites of the amuse bouches, looked at the time, and told him I had another engagement. As he hailed me a cab, he looked over and asked: “There’s a great sushi I’ve been meaning to check out. How does next Thursday sound?

Me: “HUH? Are you kidding me? WTF is wrong with you? There was NO chemistry! We have NOTHING in common!” …was what I wanted to say and I guess it showed in my facial expressions, since he immediately said, “Oh, let’s just play it by ear.” (RELIEF)

Thank goodness the cab pulled up right when things started getting a tad awkward – I jumped right into the cab and immediately called the gf who set up the date, to have her order me pizza.

I was EFin hungry.

A blog post, full stomach, more wine, and a bunch of laughs later, I’m extremely grateful to have girlfriends that care about me so much, they set me up on dates – regardless of the outcome.

That said, I will not pay her back for the pizza I demanded she order for me. Time is money, yo!

15 thoughts on “How to Survive a Bad First Date (long version)

  1. Mona I love you girl! You have made me laugh yet once again! I know what these kinds of dates are like and trust me, I’ve wanted to run out and wondered if manners counted that much lol. Fortuanately the answer was always, “YES THEY DO.” So I sat back and enjoyed their company and made the best of it. Trust me, the best was not all that good. But everyone has something good right? ; ) Glad you got your pizza and mostly, I’m glad you made me laugh and cheered me up.

  2. Mona, you crack me up! While I must say I’m glad I am happily married and not having to go through this mill again, I don’t want that to come across the wrong way ;-)

    I can’t believe the guy was bashing on Legos, Star Wars – and didn’t even know Coppola was behind the vineyard! The audacity. That is about as close to blasphemy as not shutting up more :-)

    Again, thanks for sharing what I’m missing – and you do have some great girlfriends!

  3. I would have walked, but I’m a lot less patient with bad dates. Life is too SHORT for that nonsense. Awesome post, I was cracking up. *makes mental note to learn the times tables in Japanese just in case in need of a time killer*

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  5. hmmm mental notes.. “never go on a date with a blogger, i’ll be doomed”

    ps. i’m respectful of bad dates, i tend to think the other person is not behaving as usual since it’s an awkward situation so i give her the benefit of doubt. I’m not a believer on dates.

  6. Hey Mona! (long time no chat :),

    I’m just starting to date again, and one thing I am applying that I learned from my last forays into this oh-so-entertaining world: consciously structure the first date to be SHORT. Coffee, not dinner. And schedule it for, say, 3pm. That way, if there’s amazing chemistry, you can propose dinner. If not, well, you have dinner plans at 5, and have to leave at 4pm to get ready. :-)

    Good luck! And keep up the sense of humor. I’m trying to do the same; it really helps!

  7. Mona – try entertaining yourself next time (and oh, there *will* be a next time) by just arguing with every little thing Mr. Blind Date says to see how long his patience lasts. *Muhahahahaha*

  8. I still have most of my lego in a big red box…a mix of technique & pirate/castle sets.

    Oh but your story was good :) ..tho i could never meet someone like that..too formal.

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