Dear May: please go away. #personal

You know? I used to love May.

May has a significant number of holidays in the Japanese and American cultures. It’s also the time of year when it starts warming up. There are many things I loved about May growing up — especially Mother’s Day. This was the one day, my mother loosened up and let me and my brother completely spoil her. The only day in 365 days where she showed appreciation.

Four years ago, everything changed.

My mom died on May 23rd, 2007 and since then, things have never been the same.  This is the one month I dread and still figuring out how to cope. They say it gets better with time. Well. I’m still waiting. Processing. Wondering, when it actually does. Though this year, is the first year I’ve been able to – or allowing myself to – vocalize my vulnerability. Perhaps it is getting better and I’m just caught in this spin cycle of empty, thus unable to objectively see myself.

Who knows. At least I’m keeping myself busy. Or attempting to.

So I leave you with the same thing I do every year: I am normally an extremely private person, but her story is so amazing, if anyone (aside myself) is inspired, that would be the best ode to her… :)

Enjoy.

“Why my (MySpace) profile song was the same for a minute…”

For the first time since I started Myspace,

I’ve kept the same profile song for more than a week.

But there’s a reason for that, you see.

Some of you know, some of you don’t, but on May 23rd, 2007, I lost someone close to me from cancer.

Read the rest here.

If you’re interested in learning more about me, Mona, the person, I’ve opened myself up a lot more on the Internet than I have in my entire lifetime.

Some significant entries even I can’t believe I shared:

#thatisall

6 thoughts on “Dear May: please go away. #personal

  1. I sympathize: lost my dad on April 30, 2009 and it’s a tough time of the year because of how I lost him. Same with his birthday – it’s never easy.

    “They say it gets better with time.” It doesn’t. How can “it” when “it” doesn’t change the fact that we’ve lost a loved one. Unfortunately, after two years now (and having realized that I was clinically depressed for many months), I’ve come to the realization that “it” will never change or get better. Instead, we can only change how we handle “it.” Once I came to that conclusion, the situation became a bit easier and I got out of my funk by turning to some alternative activities (I run every day now – 124 days in a row, and I’m in a much better state of mind)

    Anyway, the fact that you’re willing to share your thoughts on this is a good sign IMO. “It” isn’t changing… but you are. ;)

    Happy thoughts to you this month – kct

    1. Kevin, I don’t even have the words to elegantly state how appreciative I am of your comment, your thought, your words and for sharing intimate details.

      In my mind, I know I cannot control or change anything but myself. The challenge, is finding the medium where I allow myself to be a person, yet remain balanced.

      Babysteps.

      Sorry to hear about your loss as well and admire your honesty and coping mechanisms.

      1. I’ll be ok. It just took me a couple of years to finally stop waking up wondering what the hell happened and crying. I finally realized that being upset wouldn’t bring either of them back.

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