No. I Do NOT Want a Kindle, Damnit.

I swear. If one. more. EFin. person tells me: “Get a Kindle.” I will punch them in their piehole. Since I am not a violent person, I am doing the next best thing. Documenting the reasons I do not want one for future: “Why don’t you want a Kindle?” question. I can just point them back here. How efficient -rolls eyes-.

Look, I am eco friendly and do my part. I love gadgets, electronics, basically anything with a power chord and USB cable. I am all about the digital age – just look at my blog, Facebook notes, and FriendFeed. It’s filled with all things shiny and new.

However, some things should be preserved in their original forms, and books are one of them.

It’s about the five senses – technically three, since I don’t eat books to taste, nor do I hear them… I think. (actually, I hear the characters’ voices in my head. Just kidding. Or maybe not. Who cares.)

ANYway, from used books, new books, library books, I love the way they feel when I turn the pages, the scents of dingy and new papers… and the whiff of ink triggers memories of all kinds. I love looking at books, touching them, feeling them, seeing piles of books, and the dust that collects on top of the piles of books.

My bookcase is my trophy case.

Perhaps there will come a time, where PDFs may give me the same effect. Who knows. But for now? I’m sticking to real books.

Besides, PDFs, ebooks, and Kindles are not photogenic.

View all here.

Websites are the New Scrunchies

Just like how the 80s birthed many crime worthy fashion trends – I mean seriously, look at that picture. Just Say NO! to Scrunchies – one of the biggest modern day faux pas is appalling. People, I am talking about virtual prettifying trends that need to be stopped.

My Facebook and Gmail and a lot of my favorite sites take a bajillion katrillion years to open. Is it like that for you, too?  When uploading pictures with a fancy image uploader that’s floating mid-screen, my browser sometimes freaks out. Like this.

Is it just me?

Or does it piss you off, like it pisses me the EF off, when there’s major freezeage while playing music on one of those dope ass players? You know, the ones that take a trillion years to show up on the page and when everything finally loads, it takes another ten EFin hours for the music to play?

Well, you guys, when that happens? It is NOT your faults. Nor is it your computers’ faults. It is really not you, but the websites’ and the companies’ faults, for dressing up the interfaces with useless code. (Technically, it’s script overload. Too much Ajax and or JS = No Thank You. If you’re tech savvy, install Chrome or Webkit’s nightly build, since they have rendering engines built specifically for the purpose of handling script. Add-ons not an option. If what you read is gibberish, no worries. Just don’t contact me with questions and go here:

Fine, I deal with all that crap. I don’t like it, but I deal. I choose to use the unfancified versions (plain HTML or simple uploaders) since I have NO patience for things to load and crashing browsers, but the most horrible thing is this.


Do you see that?
There is a missing pixel. UNACCEPTABLE.

And now this.


Misaligned text. Super duper unacceptable.
I know these sites are free. I know I shouldn’t be complaining. But we’re already tortured by browser crashage, why can’t interfaces be easier on our eyes? Instead of fancyfying shit, fix the rudimentary aspects of your motherEFin sites, please.

Thank you. And have a great day.

The Stupidest Gadget for Stupid People

sensor-fresh-qInternet? Meet the Sensor Fresh Q. It checks the safety of meat or poultry, only for 90bucks!

Um, are you kidding me?

Use something called your five flippin’ senses. If the meat is not red or pink and has a greenish tint, there’s clearly something wrong. Though as a cheap Asian, I use the unspoiled meat around the discolored portions. Sounds gross, but hello? I’m not eating it raw. When cooked, all the bacteria goes away. If bacterium(?) is left behind, I’ll get the runs. Boo hoo… crap, I digress. Where was I? Oh, spoiled meat and commons sense. Bottomline: if the meat smells and looks funny, well, surprise! It may be rotten.

Shoot, you don’t even need five senses… two at the most. I should get paid $89.95 plus shipping and handling each time I make a “THIS IS SPOILED” diagnosis.


Japanese culture tidbit #1:
This may gross some of you out, but as you may or may not know, in the Japanese culture, we are accustomed to ‘raw’ foods. Fish (sushi), meats (tataki -seared beef / fish, raw on the inside, shabu-shabu -Japanese fondue I guess?), egg (I crack a raw egg over rice and eat it, I don’t care… I also dip sukiyaki in raw egg, I prefer my eggs hanjyuku, which means half way cooked), even poultry (in NYC, there’s a place called Torys in Mid-town East that serves “Tori Sashi” which is basically raw chicken sashimi. I’ve had it plenty a times and I’m still alive and kicking. The poultry is organic and free range. Plus I trust my people)

Salmonella, E. Coli, lis-whatever, and all those other potential ‘diseases’ out there don’t scare me. At all.  IMO, Americans are WAY too paranoid.

Statute of Limitations, Macaroni, Twitter, and My Disclaimer

A fellow blogger J. Phil, sent this PennyArcade comic during a discussion about Facebook. I like PennyArcade, but due to my severe A.D.D. (self diagnosed), there is way too much small text to read, hence I don’t really follow PennyArcade, and doubt I appreciate it as much as I should. Sorry to all the hard core Penny Arcade fans out there. It’s me. Really.

My point is not PennyArcade or J.Phil, but everytime FUNNY + FACEBOOK are spoken in the same sentence, I think of  Twitter (the new way to blog for over caffeinated people like me) and this:

Every. single. time. I see that up there, I laugh out loud. Facebook is expanding, and the more people from my past that add me, the more that Tweet (Tweet is what all the cool kids are calling single Twitter blurbs) is relevant.

NOT that I’ve gotten anyone pregnant. Or been impregnated by someone from my high school. Or planning to invoice someone for an abortion I’ve never had… Shit, I am digging a hole that was never there, so let me STFU – that’s an acronym for Shut. The. Fuck. Up., (just in case).

ANYway, the man makes me laugh. If that Tweet up there isn’t enough to convince you to follow him on Twitter, check this one out:

twitter-_-joshua-green-allen_-this-macaroni-necklace-myAnd if that Montessori Tweet appalled or disgusted you, you might as well disown me now before I say or do something tactless and un-PC that will appall and or disgust you. Because that up there? Is my sense of humor.

Yes, this is TOTALLY my past and future disclaimer. If I ever do or say anything offensive, you better believe I’ll redirect you to this post.

And if all else fails, I’ll just hypnotize you into believing I’m a good person. I can easily get a hypnosis kit on ebay. -just saying. ;)

LEGO Mini Fig WTF: A Truly Sad and Bizarre Tale

legoWhen I first came across the headline: “Woman Gets Confusing Box of LEGO Parts” via Geekologie, I thought: What a bunch of dramatic people. It’s EFin LEGO, figure it out. When I opened the page, I understood.

From afar, the left picture should be a representative of happy. It’s simply a family of LEGO mini fig(mini figures)s dressed in a cacophony of happy colors. Pinks, blues, whites, baby blues – normally hues of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, cup cakes, and whatever else makes a person feel warm and fuzzy.

Completely and utterly harmless – right?


Take a look at this:

lego2What ARE those?  What characters do they represent? Were they leftovers? Factory rejects?  Seriously, why would the LEGO rep put together “an army of angry LEGO mini fig cross-dressers” and send it the The Bloggess? That up there is beyond a LEGO WTF. It is a box of mini fig TRAUMA.

Farewell sweet childhood memories.

(ps: Thank you, The Bloggess, for the biggest laugh in a while. These fuckers randomly popped in my mind this morning, swore I re-blogged a while back, but couldn’t find it in my archives so I’m posting it now. This is PURE GOLD)

Open Letter to Vending Machine Filler Upper People


Dear Vending Machine Filler Upper People,

First, I would like to thank you for all of your hard work. It seems strenuous on body parts to lift boxes, and fill up respective rows. Second, it seems like such a pain to go to every floor of buildings to refill the machines. So I appreciate all of your hardwork.

That said, I have one request, and one request only.

Is it too much to ask to please please please fill the respective rows with only like kind snacks? That picture above, is only one instance of the various times the one bag of chips I truly want, is rudely blocked by a bag of gross chips I do not want.

When this happens, it is a huge dilemma, since I only have two options.

  1. Refrain from chip consumption or
  2. Purchase two bags of chips

Options one and or two are normally exercised but when I am obliterated and insanely craving chips, it is a whole ‘nother story.

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You Guys are NOT My Friends, Damnit!!

All you people that call yourselves my “friend”?


Every. single. one of you!!

Look, it’s no secret I’m not a writer, but if and when you see a typo, spelling or grammatical error, it is your responsibility as a literate person and friend to TELL ME.

Do you guys secretly enjoy seeing me look like an idiot?

Seriously, if I were in YOUR shoes, I would TOTALLY tell you – discreetly. You know, send an IM? Or what about this super duper high tech thing called e-mail? Perhaps even on FriendFeed.

Am I asking too much?

…ok, maybe I’m being dramatic. I don’t want to be put on blast, but wouldn’t you want someone to tell you? Only one person (publicly) corrected me – Yolanda. And THAT’S why Yolanda rules and I hate you all!

Why I Shouldn’t Be Allowed to Work from Home

just-say-no+ Chips.
+ More chips.
+ Eating two bags of the “more” chips purchased on sale at Target.
+ Finishing 2.5 bags of chips – in one sitting. (Whaaaaat? Don’t judge me! The bag of chips stare at me, and am too cheap to buy stuff from vending machines. :|)
+ Re-runs of Gossip Girl and Top Chef.
+ Blasting music and getting sidetracked by dancing.
And the worst:
+ Shower? Why??

And I wonder why I’m single… FAIL!

Image found here.

March of the (Edible) Penguins (!)

Recently, I’ve taken a slight fascination to waffles – only slight, since my number one breakfast food of choice is bacon, of course. But man, this little penguin waffle maker gives me incentive into becoming a… waffle connoisseur?

Oh, who am I kidding. These are just cute. And I want them because I love penguins, and I want my breakfast waffles to… march!

More pictures after the jump. link -Thanks, Andypandybearatelo! :) Oh, and please excuse the excessive parentheses in the title. Today is a parentheses kind of day!

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Red Pill, Blue Pill, 1UP Pill? Either Which Way -WANT!

Whenever I see a little blue or red pill, Matrix, Morpheus, and tight black leather immediately comes to mind, but these suckers (no pun intended) may flip what I know. The Mario mushroom awesomeness is in a set of three and the site description reads they’re mints, but sour…? Which is a tad confusing for me. I’ve never had sour mints before, have you?

Oh well, who cares. It’s 1. Mario related and 2. mushrooms (especially the 1UP mushroom is all sorts of WIN) so even if the candy inside sucks ass, I’d be left with the containers. OH yes.

The three are $11.99 USD. Buy them here.

Quit Selling This Bastard Off-Spring Bootleg LEGO

15524614_00_bFor those who know me, you KNOW I am ALL about LEGO. My feed (on FriendFeed) is FILLED with LEGO. I kinda slack here, but there are LEGO posts, too. My hero? Jesus Diaz of Gizmodo, who went to the EFin LEGO factory in Europe. (OMG OMG OMG!!). And my biggest dream was to build the mother f*ckin 3.8k Death Star w/ Chris Pirillo.

I am FAR from a LEGO hater. BUT this thing is just… WRONG.

It doesn’t even look like LEGO! It’s generic, there’s something wrong with the finish, and the colors are simply ATROCIOUS.

It sorta reminds me of a missile pop or dollar store 4th of July decoration… on further thought, it’s like a patriotic cake gone horribly wrong. That thing pictured, truly hurts my feelings.

Urban Outfitters, please quit spreading this ugliness. LEGO is way too sacred to be tainted!!!!!!!


-1UP as in Negative, no Extra Life, Please Try Again

marioflague_ps_modeled I love Mario. I love hoodies. And in theory, Mario + hoodie should work – right?


That pictured on the left? Possibly takes over BAPE hoodies, as the most unfortunate design. EVER. (and I still stand by my statement: BAPE = FruitRoll Up explosion)

But now that I think about it, the guy throwing up his thumb in a wanna be nerd-gangsta pose may have something to do with me being SO turned off. Upon closer inspection, the mushroom zipper is kinda hot. -just saying. (click picture to enlarge)


See the entire gallery and purchase here: link

Thanks to Strands for the iPhone, I’m Famous!!

WordPress isn’t letting me embed videos, so please click on image that will: 1) Give you a review and description of Strands for the iPhone via the inquisitr (Duncan and his blog RULE btw) and 2) Let you see the video where I have my .928374938792374 nano seconds of fame.


WOO-HOO! I’m famous!!

Oh ya, congratulations Drew and Strands! –clicking on Strands will take you directly to my profile since I feel like being vein like that. :) Oh and for LG (Louis Gray)’s take – with screen caps, visit his site here.