No. I Do NOT Want a Kindle, Damnit.

I swear. If one. more. EFin. person tells me: “Get a Kindle.” I will punch them in their piehole. Since I am not a violent person, I am doing the next best thing. Documenting the reasons I do not want one for future: “Why don’t you want a Kindle?” question. I can just point them back here. How efficient -rolls eyes-.

Look, I am eco friendly and do my part. I love gadgets, electronics, basically anything with a power chord and USB cable. I am all about the digital age – just look at my blog, Facebook notes, and FriendFeed. It’s filled with all things shiny and new.

However, some things should be preserved in their original forms, and books are one of them.

It’s about the five senses – technically three, since I don’t eat books to taste, nor do I hear them… I think. (actually, I hear the characters’ voices in my head. Just kidding. Or maybe not. Who cares.)

ANYway, from used books, new books, library books, I love the way they feel when I turn the pages, the scents of dingy and new papers… and the whiff of ink triggers memories of all kinds. I love looking at books, touching them, feeling them, seeing piles of books, and the dust that collects on top of the piles of books.

My bookcase is my trophy case.

Perhaps there will come a time, where PDFs may give me the same effect. Who knows. But for now? I’m sticking to real books.

Besides, PDFs, ebooks, and Kindles are not photogenic.

View all here.

Websites are the New Scrunchies

Just like how the 80s birthed many crime worthy fashion trends – I mean seriously, look at that picture. Just Say NO! to Scrunchies – one of the biggest modern day faux pas is appalling. People, I am talking about virtual prettifying trends that need to be stopped.

My Facebook and Gmail and a lot of my favorite sites take a bajillion katrillion years to open. Is it like that for you, too?  When uploading pictures with a fancy image uploader that’s floating mid-screen, my browser sometimes freaks out. Like this.

Is it just me?

Or does it piss you off, like it pisses me the EF off, when there’s major freezeage while playing music on one of those dope ass players? You know, the ones that take a trillion years to show up on the page and when everything finally loads, it takes another ten EFin hours for the music to play?

Well, you guys, when that happens? It is NOT your faults. Nor is it your computers’ faults. It is really not you, but the websites’ and the companies’ faults, for dressing up the interfaces with useless code. (Technically, it’s script overload. Too much Ajax and or JS = No Thank You. If you’re tech savvy, install Chrome or Webkit’s nightly build, since they have rendering engines built specifically for the purpose of handling script. Add-ons not an option. If what you read is gibberish, no worries. Just don’t contact me with questions and go here:

Fine, I deal with all that crap. I don’t like it, but I deal. I choose to use the unfancified versions (plain HTML or simple uploaders) since I have NO patience for things to load and crashing browsers, but the most horrible thing is this.


Do you see that?
There is a missing pixel. UNACCEPTABLE.

And now this.


Misaligned text. Super duper unacceptable.
I know these sites are free. I know I shouldn’t be complaining. But we’re already tortured by browser crashage, why can’t interfaces be easier on our eyes? Instead of fancyfying shit, fix the rudimentary aspects of your motherEFin sites, please.

Thank you. And have a great day.

The Stupidest Gadget for Stupid People

sensor-fresh-qInternet? Meet the Sensor Fresh Q. It checks the safety of meat or poultry, only for 90bucks!

Um, are you kidding me?

Use something called your five flippin’ senses. If the meat is not red or pink and has a greenish tint, there’s clearly something wrong. Though as a cheap Asian, I use the unspoiled meat around the discolored portions. Sounds gross, but hello? I’m not eating it raw. When cooked, all the bacteria goes away. If bacterium(?) is left behind, I’ll get the runs. Boo hoo… crap, I digress. Where was I? Oh, spoiled meat and commons sense. Bottomline: if the meat smells and looks funny, well, surprise! It may be rotten.

Shoot, you don’t even need five senses… two at the most. I should get paid $89.95 plus shipping and handling each time I make a “THIS IS SPOILED” diagnosis.


Japanese culture tidbit #1:
This may gross some of you out, but as you may or may not know, in the Japanese culture, we are accustomed to ‘raw’ foods. Fish (sushi), meats (tataki -seared beef / fish, raw on the inside, shabu-shabu -Japanese fondue I guess?), egg (I crack a raw egg over rice and eat it, I don’t care… I also dip sukiyaki in raw egg, I prefer my eggs hanjyuku, which means half way cooked), even poultry (in NYC, there’s a place called Torys in Mid-town East that serves “Tori Sashi” which is basically raw chicken sashimi. I’ve had it plenty a times and I’m still alive and kicking. The poultry is organic and free range. Plus I trust my people)

Salmonella, E. Coli, lis-whatever, and all those other potential ‘diseases’ out there don’t scare me. At all.  IMO, Americans are WAY too paranoid.

Statute of Limitations, Macaroni, Twitter, and My Disclaimer

A fellow blogger J. Phil, sent this PennyArcade comic during a discussion about Facebook. I like PennyArcade, but due to my severe A.D.D. (self diagnosed), there is way too much small text to read, hence I don’t really follow PennyArcade, and doubt I appreciate it as much as I should. Sorry to all the hard core Penny Arcade fans out there. It’s me. Really.

My point is not PennyArcade or J.Phil, but everytime FUNNY + FACEBOOK are spoken in the same sentence, I think of  Twitter (the new way to blog for over caffeinated people like me) and this:

Every. single. time. I see that up there, I laugh out loud. Facebook is expanding, and the more people from my past that add me, the more that Tweet (Tweet is what all the cool kids are calling single Twitter blurbs) is relevant.

NOT that I’ve gotten anyone pregnant. Or been impregnated by someone from my high school. Or planning to invoice someone for an abortion I’ve never had… Shit, I am digging a hole that was never there, so let me STFU – that’s an acronym for Shut. The. Fuck. Up., (just in case).

ANYway, the man makes me laugh. If that Tweet up there isn’t enough to convince you to follow him on Twitter, check this one out:

twitter-_-joshua-green-allen_-this-macaroni-necklace-myAnd if that Montessori Tweet appalled or disgusted you, you might as well disown me now before I say or do something tactless and un-PC that will appall and or disgust you. Because that up there? Is my sense of humor.

Yes, this is TOTALLY my past and future disclaimer. If I ever do or say anything offensive, you better believe I’ll redirect you to this post.

And if all else fails, I’ll just hypnotize you into believing I’m a good person. I can easily get a hypnosis kit on ebay. -just saying. ;)

LEGO Mini Fig WTF: A Truly Sad and Bizarre Tale

legoWhen I first came across the headline: “Woman Gets Confusing Box of LEGO Parts” via Geekologie, I thought: What a bunch of dramatic people. It’s EFin LEGO, figure it out. When I opened the page, I understood.

From afar, the left picture should be a representative of happy. It’s simply a family of LEGO mini fig(mini figures)s dressed in a cacophony of happy colors. Pinks, blues, whites, baby blues – normally hues of rainbows, butterflies, unicorns, cup cakes, and whatever else makes a person feel warm and fuzzy.

Completely and utterly harmless – right?


Take a look at this:

lego2What ARE those?  What characters do they represent? Were they leftovers? Factory rejects?  Seriously, why would the LEGO rep put together “an army of angry LEGO mini fig cross-dressers” and send it the The Bloggess? That up there is beyond a LEGO WTF. It is a box of mini fig TRAUMA.

Farewell sweet childhood memories.

(ps: Thank you, The Bloggess, for the biggest laugh in a while. These fuckers randomly popped in my mind this morning, swore I re-blogged a while back, but couldn’t find it in my archives so I’m posting it now. This is PURE GOLD)

Open Letter to Vending Machine Filler Upper People


Dear Vending Machine Filler Upper People,

First, I would like to thank you for all of your hard work. It seems strenuous on body parts to lift boxes, and fill up respective rows. Second, it seems like such a pain to go to every floor of buildings to refill the machines. So I appreciate all of your hardwork.

That said, I have one request, and one request only.

Is it too much to ask to please please please fill the respective rows with only like kind snacks? That picture above, is only one instance of the various times the one bag of chips I truly want, is rudely blocked by a bag of gross chips I do not want.

When this happens, it is a huge dilemma, since I only have two options.

  1. Refrain from chip consumption or
  2. Purchase two bags of chips

Options one and or two are normally exercised but when I am obliterated and insanely craving chips, it is a whole ‘nother story.

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